jptchill

pain

every time I think that the pain of losing you is past it wells up inside of me again. how much I miss you. your smile. your laugh. watching you grow. despite the fact that I could be sent away...my only thought is my love for you. are you OK? will I ever see you again....every night and every day...every moment in between I miss you. when I said that I could see us together forever, I meant it. all I can do is hope that the worst does not come to pass and that we will meet again sometime in the future. I love you and my heart yearns for you. I can't imagine living without you and if they come for me...I will die with your name on my lips and the memories of our time together in my heart.

jptchill

the life


once more I can feel the temperature rising inside. the quickening of life within.dare I allow hope to blossom when most likely I will once more be sitting amongst the ashes of my heart....

jptchill

sleep and life


as I slip into the embrace of the little death I ponder life. sometimes I wish I could give my life to someone that deserves it more than I do. extend their life...their vitality....their youth. unfortunately it doesn't work that way so I am stuck trying to make this work. trying to salvage some usefulness from a life that is fading too rapidly despite my desire to embrace death. I seem to be a relic stuck in an age that refuses to acknowledge the need for my kind. despite seeing in the news EVERY fucking day that we are needed. that our place in society is being left empty because those of us that are left are too afraid to step in and guide those in need. unable to use the best resource we have....which is LOVE because society demands we stand aside and allow them to DIE. because society is unable to fill all the gaps. they try so desperately to be everything to everyone while denying the right of those created for the various purposes to even fucking live. they seek a conformity that is UNNATURAL even as they call us monsters. life does not conform. life explodes in a myriad of beautiful diversity.

 

in any case...today they bury the husk of the man I called uncle. he was a good man. he may not have been perfect but he will be missed. I just hope that when my number come up that I to...will have someone that will celebrate the life I tried to live...as well as miss me.

 

  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful
jptchill

doubt

its late at night that I find the most doubt. the most desire to not be here anymore. I've dedicated myself to a course of action that may be the worst possible one that I can make right now, but...it feels right. I could potentially spend the rest of my life with him if he chooses me. He has many options right now. I'm afraid that I am but one choice that he can choose and by far not the easiest. Yet, I will do whatever I can to have him in my life. Even if its only as friends. Only time will tell...time and patience. One I have more of than the other, but I'm not always sure which one it is. I guess in the end I'll find out.
jptchill

loves and crushes


its hard falling for someone that's not ready for it. or not interested in you that way. all I can do is be there and hope he comes around or try and move on. neither is an easy choice to make. for now...I'll settle for a limbo like existence. content... somewhat that he allows me to be as much a part of his life as he does. at least he is honest about where he stands. I just have to be patient and understand that what I want may never come to pass.

 

jptchill

SSDD

I understand why all the boys on the 'social sites' want cuddle buddies. I miss having someone to hold so badly I kind of want to cry right now. I think I'll go blow people up in World of Tanks instead....it somehow seems more...constructive...oddly enough.
jptchill

Being single


Apparently I'm not handling being single as long as I suspected tonight I held on each hand for a little while cause I just need to physical touch and the overwhelming urge to cry just randomly in almost overwhelmingly hit me and I yeah I guess we'll have to figure out what that's about it some point bye for now that's where things are so I will keep on and see where how it works

jptchill

musings of the day

sometimes I feel like I've reached the end. that I have accomplished what was needed and its time to move on so that the next stage can begin.


sometimes life is such bullshit.
  • Current Mood
    cold cold
jptchill

the hardest thing


the hardest thing about breaking up is the  lack of physical contact. I miss having someone to hold. to touch. the intimacy. its compounded in difficulty by the fact that he still lives with me. so when he sleeps on the couch I want to put my hand on his hand....or arm. I suppose I could, he would never know but....it would do more harm than good. so I sit...Alone but not alone.